kirstie says that music is supposed to be a release, not a place of stress. well, what if it does stress me? what if sometimes, music makes me want to tear my hair out from my scalp? what if sometimes music makes me hate some of my closer friends? then what? should i stop? sometimes the stress is way too hard on me. makes me give in to feelings of failure. it makes me stop and consider why i am even first chair. why me? my passion for trumpet, no where near as "others" who are more deserving of the place. first chair is a degrading place to be when others deserve it more than you.
then i think about the positives. music is a good release. music is energizing. music is the only thing i'm actually slightly passionate about. nothing else. its also my ONE "talent" i LOVE music. music is my life. well. music, food, friends, fam, and homework are my life. but, without music i would be nothing.
i want to give up, but at the same time i never want to quit.
why is life so confusing?